


This Is A Family Group Chat

by cvtastr0phic



Series: Code Name: White Violin [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better, Vanya Hargreeves’ Dead Nanny Squad, chat fic, i love that that’s a tag now, im finally back again lol yay, klaus is an actual blessing, the white violin is a separate entity and you can’t tell me otherwise, vanya is a villain in this because yes, vanya would probably swear a lot tbh, writing my au trash again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:13:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24708151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cvtastr0phic/pseuds/cvtastr0phic
Summary: DJGHOST: what’s up bitchesOR the chat fic mixed with my vanya villain au no one asked forread if you want to it’s hell tho
Relationships: Dave/Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Code Name: White Violin [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1786342
Comments: 6
Kudos: 112





	1. rasputin

Klaus Hargreeves created group chat, ‘Broskis’.  
Klaus Hargreeves added Luther Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves and Number Five.

Klaus Hargreeves changed their name to ‘DJGHOST’.  
Klaus Hargreeves changed Luther Hargreeves name to ‘mOoN’  
Klaus Hargreeves changed Diego Hargreeves name to ‘batman’  
Klaus Hargreeves changed Allison Hargreeves name to ‘divorce’  
Klaus Hargreeves changed Number Five’s name to ‘killer bean’

————————-

Chat: ‘Broskis’  
Current Members: 5  
Time: 2:29AM

DJGHOST: what’s up bitches

batman: klaus are you drunk

DJGHOST: why no my friend this is one of my late night antics  
DJGHOST: I have a bingo board of antics, one of them says family reunion so here I am

mOoN: Klaus, you named Allison ‘Divorce’. 

DJGHOST: I think one of the bingo squares was to give everyone a funny name 

batman: fr I wasn’t expecting this kind of reunion 

DJGHOST: yeah sitting on my bed with a glass of bourbon doesn’t seem like the way I imagined we’d meet again..

DJGHOST: oop-

mOoN: Klaus!

killer bean: what the fuck.

DJGHOST: ahh our youngest customer  
DJGHOST: how are you doing today small bean

killer bean: call me that again and I’ll rip your fucking eyes out klaus

batman: hi five

killer bean: why am I speaking to you idiots again

divorce: ?????!!!!!!!

mOon: We may have startled Allison out of bed, everyone

batman: oop

DJGHOST: yo yo yo allison

divorce: what is this?? Klaus is that you??

batman: ;p

DJGHOST: It’s a family reunion, and it’s permanent because the only person I have to hang out with is Ben

mOoN: Klaus, Ben is dead!

batman: he might be like casper tho

killer bean: klaus are you saying you can see Ben?!

DJGHOST: I fell inside the trash can 💀 💀 💀 

DJGHOST: yeah brb I’ll go get him

divorce: it’s 2AM

batman: I stay up all night watching soap operas though so-

mOoN: Klaus, get out of the trash can you could catch something!

batman: Luther shut up bitch let him do his thing

DJGHOST HAS ADDED BEN HARGREEVES TO THE CHAT

DJGHOST CHANGED BEN HARGREEVES NAME TO: waffles

waffles: hello 👋 

batman: holy shit

mOoN: Klaus must be faking it, guys.

divorce: it’s 2am Allison anything is possible

waffles: lol

killer bean: Ben is that you?

waffles: yep

killer bean: good to see you

waffles: you too five :)

killer bean: 😊

DJGHOST: is five showing... affection?!  
he has emotions?! he isn’t a stone cold sarcastic little bitch?!

killer bean: I like him because he’s not brain dead like the rest of you

DJGHOST: #offended

waffles: sorry I was afk 

DJGHOST: how the fuck were you afk what were you even doing

waffles: eating burritos 🌯 

DJGHOST: I need to find you a full time babysitter

mOoN: Ben if that is you, it’s good to see you. We all missed you very much.

DJGHOST: apart from vanya lol

batman: klaus we don’t talk about her remember?

divorce: Diego-

DJGHOST: why don’t we add her? she’s pretty fun when she’s not all murdery 💀

mOoN: Klaus, Vanya almost killed everyone here at least twice, Shes extremely dangerous and unpredictable, has killed countless people, and you want to add her to the family group chat?!!

DJGHOST: I’m drunk so the pain will fade away by morning 

mOon: Klaus I’m warning you-

batman: klaus don’t 

divorce: it isn’t a good time for this klaus

killer bean: I don’t mind tbh I can just jump back to when this chat didn’t exist 10 minutes ago if things get too spicy

DJGHOST: if five agrees, it overrules everyone else because he’s smart

killer bean: ☺️

DJGHOST: ok I’m doing it

mOoN: NO!

DJGHOST ADDED VANYA HARGREEVES TO THE CHAT

DJGHOST CHANGED VANYA HARGREEVES NAME TO: rasputin

rasputin: bitch-


	2. Ghosts Can Have Strokes Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The One where ghosts have strokes, Vanya pays her rent in a questionable currency, and Klaus Assaults a taco guy

rasputin: pretzelstandonfire.jpg

DJGHOST: :0

DJGHOST: marshmallow roasting time bitches

mOon: Klaus, don’t encourage her.

rasputin: I just walked outta my apartment and it was on fire lol

rasputin: wait-

batman: why did you do this klaus

divorce: she is NOT included in this klaus I can’t believe you

rasputin: is this hargreeves residence

mOoN: Yes.

rasputin: fuck

batman: my thoughts exactly

waffles: let’s just be nice, hi 

rasputin: I’m pretty sure someone’s burning in there ngl

divorce: vanya what do you want

rasputin: this guy to stop screaming it’s pretty fucking annoying

divorce: 0-0

DJGHOST: vanya is my soul animal guys we both like pretzels

rasputin: hells yeah

rasputin: wait who is everyone I’m confused :p

mOoN: Luther. 

divorce: Allison

waffles: dead

batman: go diego go

killer bean: fucked 

rasputin: ok

mOoN: We’re supposed to be fighting Vanya!

rasputin: lmao ok

DJGHOST CHANGED waffle’s name to dead.  
DJGHOST changed Batman’s name to dora

DJGHOST: fight fight fight

dora: Im pretty sure that tv show gave me ptsd as a kid

dead: dad let you watch Dora?

Dora: mom let me watch Dora

dead: dad never let me watch anything

DJGHOST: I got to watch therapy lesson #22 if that helps

rasputin: I got to watch this programme called let’s stare at a soundproof wall for 72 hours it’s off air now tho I think the studio got destroyed

DJGHOST: VANYA AANNSJWJDHWJEJ

mOoN: Don’t joke about that!

DJGHOST: well I gotta go lol gotta buy some groceries

dora: you have money?

DJGHOST: no

dora: ok

divorce: I have to go too everyone, important interview

Direct Message from DJGHOST to rasputin  
3:42AM

DJGHOST: Luther said I’m not allowed to speak to you but can you pick me up

rasputin: I don’t have a car dingus

DJGHOST: can’t you like fly or something

rasputin: @-@

DJGHOST: ok can you walk I’m pretty sure I’m being followed and I’m scared vanya pleeeease

rasputin: lol ok one sec

rasputin: where are you

DJGHOST: I’m in that alleyway that has all the rude words sprayed on it

rasputin: your uber driver will arrive in five minutes

DJGHOST: I thought you said you didn’t have a car???

rasputin: that was five minutes ago

DJGHOST: where should we go

rasputin: there’s a nice place that’s sells pretty good tacos downtown

DJGHOST: hell yeah!!

Group Chat: broskis  
Time: 11:12AM

dora: why is five hardly ever online

killer bean: I looking after some dinosaurs and they wrecked the house

dead: wHaT

killer bean: did I stutter

dora: five I-

killer bean: a friend from the commission I trust said he needs these dinosaurs safe until tomorrow 

dead: well

dora: how did he get them!?

killer bean: he brought them from their fucking time period idiot

dora: oh 

mOoN: Did anyone hear about that guy that got assaulted at that taco place downtown

DJGHOST: um no

rasputin: what taco place

dora: oml 

divorce: you guys are literal partners in crime 

mOoN: Klaus! This is a betrayal!

DJGHOST changed mOoN’s name to betrayal

killer bean changed their name to Five  
killer bean changed DJGHOST’s name to criminalaccomplice

criminalaccomplice: five??? 

rasputin: yes change mine

Five changed rasputin’s name to   
discount god

discount god: ok

Five: you are though

discount god: I’m currently 55% off

criminalaccomplice: hahhdebjwdiej

dead: stroke

discount god: stroke

criminalaccomplice: stroke

Five: stroke

divorce: stroke

Dora: stroke

betrayal: what?

discount god: he’s having a fucking stroke luther get with it

betrayal: a stroke???

betrayal: someone help him???

discount god: bitch he’s already dead

dead: stroke

Five: omg ben so relatable

criminalaccomplice: wait five?? 

Five: I was in the apocalypse the air isn’t exactly sprayed with fucking febreeze is it

discount god: can we get some water for that burn

dora: how does five even know what febreeze is if he only came back like a year ago 

Five: mom

criminalaccomplice: she has a closet just for febreeze probably

Dora: wHaT

criminalaccomplice changed dora’s name to mymomstealsfebreeze

mymomstealsfebreeze: I mean ok

criminalaccomplice: gtg everyone bye

discount god: me too I gotta pay my rent

betrayal: You actually pay rent?

discount god: well yes but actually no

mymomstealsfebreeze: what?

discount god: I live above a restaurant and the owner lets me pay in monopoly notes

criminalaccomplice: asjdjdnekfjrnek

Five: I see you are living the criminal life Vanya

discount god: I’m running out of monopoly boxes though

mymomstealsfebreeze: ok everyone I gotta go

Five: me too the dinosaurs are escaping

discount god: yeah he’s shouting at me gtg

criminalaccomplice: bye

dead: ghosts can have strokes too y’know bitches

———————-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! leave a comment I need to know if people like this, if you do I’ll continue I enjoy writing this it’s fun lol
> 
> \- me


	3. knock yourself out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Vanya knocks someone out, Luther gets annoyed, and Five mourns his Wife.

so I’m writing a stranger things au story soon so look out for that. and also what the fuck. those teaser images are confusing as fuck, God. well, Swedish assassins? Ima roll with it and put it in my au because why the fuck not lol. Thanks for reading as always, and leave a comment if you enjoyed. 

Current Usernames:

Luther: betrayal  
Diego: mymomstealsfebreeze  
Allison: divorce  
Klaus: criminalaccomplice   
Five: Five  
Ben: dead  
Vanya: discount god

betrayal: I have an Announcement to make, everyone.

discount god: ew punctuation and capital letters

criminalaccomplice: yeah ew who texts like that

discount god: i will figure out a way to fucking yeet Luther from this chat soon don’t worry 

divorce: I WAS IN A FUCKING INTERVEW AND YOU GUYS FUCXING BLEW UP MY PHONE THE WHOLE ENTIREE TIME

dead: now who’s having a stroke ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

divorce: VANYA THIS IS YOUR FAULXT

discount god: shut 

criminalaccomplice: shut

dead: shut

Five: shit

criminalaccomplice changed discount gods name to shut

shut: no I meant shut the fuck up allison

divorce: me??? shut the fuck up??? how about you???

shut: choke

shut changed divorce’s name to rUmOr

Five: can we not right now

Five: also luther I know what your gonna say but I’ll explain it better because your awkward as hell so shut your fucking mouth before you ruin another fucking relationship you fucking monkey

shut: @-@

criminalaccomplice: GET BURNED LUTHER

dead: Luther did you provoke the boy

betrayal: No?

Five: oh you don’t fucking remember do you

Five: HE FUCKING MURDERED MY WIFE

rUmOr: oml luther

Five: HE DROPPED HER OUT OF A WINDOW

shut: lol

betrayal: No, I accidentally knocked her off the ledge she was precariously dangling off of.

Five: you still murdered my wife you cold blooded killer you

betrayal: Oh? And you Vanya and probably more of us aren’t?

shut: my blood’s pretty warm actually

Five: shush vanya I’ll call you later to enact my plan

shut: :0

betrayal: NO CONTACT WITT HER

shut: luther you’ve been texting me this entire time, dipshit

rUmOr: If you guys don’t shut up I will personally find you and rumor you into being quiet for a WEEK

shut: i’m gonna say it

betrayal: vanya don’t say it

shut: *deep breath*

Five: no don’t you’ll piss her off lol

shut: you cant do that without a throat tho 

rUmOr: Luther I’m breaking the no contact with vanya rule 

betrayal: Okay

criminalaccomplice: wait so allison is allowed to break the rules but we aren’t you hypocrite??

betrayal: because allison is doing a good thing

shut: I’m kinda scared 

criminalaccomplice: but you’re the white violin who is NEVER scared

shut: that name is invalid 

dead: why tho 

shut: because I’m not a fucking violin

Five: wheeze

criminalaccomplice: comics tho

shut: no

criminalaccomplice: yes 

shut: the comic me is scary

shut: suits are better

dead: suits are cool

criminalaccomplice: Luther can I wear a suit like vanya

betrayal: NO!

shut: but Luther they are fucking comfortable as hell

betrayal: stop influencing my family vanya

[PRIVATE MESSAGE FROM shut, TO criminalaccomplice and dead]

shut: guys I’ll get you one

criminalaccomplice: hell yeah

dead: 😊

[GROUP CHAT, ‘Broskis’]

criminalaccomplice: wait

criminalaccomplice: where did our dear sister go??

dead: uh oh

Five: to go murder vanya I think

betrayal: She is doing what we should of done a long time ago

Five: that is too far tho

criminalaccomplice: nooooooo

dead: n0000

shut: uh

shut: how to hide body 

shut: SHIT THAT WASNT GOOGLE

betrayal changed shut’s name to Murderer

Murderer: fitting

betrayal: YOU KILLED ALLISON 

Murderer: what no

betrayal: YOU LIAR, YOU MURDERED HER

Murderer: as much as I want to your still my family

Murderer: i knocked her out

Murderer: can one of you come pick her up

criminalaccomplice: can I 

Murderer: knock yourself out

criminalaccomplice: nejdjebwjsjeb vanya stop joking about it

criminalaccomplice: c’mon Ben

dead: I’m reading tho

criminalaccomplice: when are you not

dead: I don’t know tbh

criminalaccomplice: you can read in the car just c’mon 

dead: okay

betrayal: car??

criminalaccomplice: yes car

dead: 🚗 

betrayal: how did you get a car?! did you steal it?!

Murderer changed criminalaccomplice’s name to grandklausauto

grandklausauto: no 

grandklausauto: um

grandklausauto: vanya gave it to me

Murderer : wrong choice of words there buddy

betrayal: let me guess. vanya stole the car

Murderer: well yes but actually no

betrayal: elaborate

Murderer: I borrowed it 

betrayal: I will kill you one day you know that

Murderer : I wasn’t aware you had the guts

dead: ooh burn 🔥 

betrayal: Klaus. Just bring Allison back. Then we need to talk. Now.

Five: count me out of the family discussion

Murderer: can I come

betrayal: no.

grandklausauto changed Murderer’s name to outcast

outcast: ok, thanks for letting me know how lonely I am

grandklausauto: 😊

betrayal: We really need to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> So my AU is that Vanya actually grew up with her powers, and the reason she was so angry was because she was experimented on all throughout her childhood. Like badly. Like if you’ve seen stranger things, then I would compare them to the experiments they did on Eleven, but accustomed to Vanya’s powers. Anyway, Rasputin is here bitches. Thanks for reading and stay tuned.


End file.
